rediscovering your social-self
sometimes it takes to forget everything you know to learn some more
I had just moved to a new area and after 2 long years, west London was finally behind me, I had found a lovely room in the east surrounded by ‘trendy’ and creative neighbours, cute cafes and charity shops. To know I now lived in such a neighbourhood brought me pride and felt like a new beginning of some sort. I could now experience this city with new eyes and fall back in love with it. The guy I was in love with had just left the city for good, the lockdowns were finally over and I ultimately felt I could enjoy these sunny days alone and explore my person. I pushed myself through what once were uncomfortable situations to then come out of them with a newfound knowledge of myself. I didn’t need anybody else to make my days exciting or worthy. When I look back at photos of that summer I am radiant, I had achieved my highest form and I can see it through the self-confidence I radiate. I was in a good place.
It didn’t take long for this ultimate version of me to shine its light and reach for somebody else. It was November when I met who became my partner for three beautiful years. I had never been this close to anybody and at times it felt like our brains were wired in the same way. We knew what the other was going to say even before they did. We had a language of our own and a routine that eventually structured our relationship into a symbiosis that often made us feel we could not survive alone. I at least felt this way. A little over a year ago we moved in together and as I crossed that threshold I left myself behind. That ultimate version of myself had already started to weaken its light throughout the relationship (for no fault of my partner), it felt supported and understood and didn’t need to fight battles alone anymore. That strength that once had carried me into a new house surrounded by strangers was now replaced by comfort and security, by a home I could call mine, a bathroom I didn’t need to lock myself into every time I had to pee and a familiar face I could be the weirdest version of myself around. So I relaxed. I turned this home into the safest place I could be in and this love relationship into the only important relationship habiting my life. Shortly I became a hollow container, a boring vase shaped by work life and home life only.
As I began to hibernate, my partner on the contrary began to flourish. He made his passion his job. He met new people. He started travelling. He had so many stories to tell me and with so much drive he would rant about what his days were like. He had sprung into this beautiful, colourful and fragrant flower and I watched him do so from the corner of the sofa I had now made concave from all the sitting I was doing. Inevitably it became apparent to me that his stories were all I was living through. If I’d come home from work before him, I’d sit in my corner and wait like a patient dog for its owner to open the door so their evening could get interesting. How excited I was to start cooking for us so that we could sit on the couch and watch something together. Without realising it I had become what the patriarchal society wants women to be (job aside). I was never asked to become this version of myself and I know for a fact that this was not the person my partner fell in love with. He would try and pull me out of this hole by sending me ads for different jobs, pushing me to pursue my creative interests and even suggesting I’d open a YouTube channel. Needless to say, I did not want to hear it, I was stubborn I had to climb out of that hole by myself, for my own sake.
So I did it. Maybe as dramatically and drastically as possible. But I did it. I left my unhealthy job, we closed the contract on our loud and dusty flat, and I said goodbye to my other half. Now I am in Peru, on a journey of self-discovery to try and reach the ultimate version of myself again. Maybe even a higher kind. But it seems to be working. I have found this social part of myself I had hidden behind a fulfilling relationship. And please I don’t want you to think my partner had anything to do with my decay during those years, he had always given me 100% of himself and had wanted me to thrive in life to the point that he made me embark on this journey knowing the consequences our relationship would have suffered. I am the reason I lost myself in the romance. It is my little self-confidence that made me disappear behind him. Therapy made me understand it, and I am on this trip to strengthen these traits of mine so I can improve how I bring myself to the table next time.
I was listening to this interview of Role Model by Zach Sang, where the artist talks about how his breakup with Emma Chamberlain has shaped his new album and a rediscovery of his social self (I know very TMZ of me to follow the gossip, but I enjoy both his music and her videos so I have kept myself updated, sue me).
RM: There is something that happens that has always turned me off of relationships. Where you just start to like block out everyone else in your life, and you never see them again and you never hear from them again. I have always hated that.
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When you go through a breakup, I feel like, you leave it just being like ‘holy shit I have kicked all of these people out of my life. I haven’t been communicating. I haven’t been social’.
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So it pushed me, a beautiful thing about the breakup is that it pushed me to be super social. Which I have never been in LA in my life.
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Just like exploring yourself again.
ZS: Freedom.
RM: Yes, freedom. And I think there is a beauty in that. People maybe see it as being dark when I say getting drunk every weekend. But I hadn’t been doing that.
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But it was a beautiful release. It was just a reliese, like I found myself again.
ZS: Rediscovery of your social self which is a big part of who we are as being.
His words hit me particularly, I did kick out everyone from my life so I could give all of me to the one person. What I hadn’t realised was that by doing so I was eventually gonna hurt myself. I forgot how to be social, how to interact with people and how to have genuine conversations. I won’t be doing much partying and drinking like Role Model, but I am exploring myself again and I am grateful I am doing so.
Third update from Peru.
I am still in Cusco, however, I have been doing quite a few day trips out of the city to explore the surroundings and push myself out of the routine I have already created here.
Since I have last spoken to you, I have been to Lake Titikaka. I took an overnight bus to get to the closest town, I was then picked up by a stranger who brought me to a hotel where I would have been provided with breakfast and had to wait for the next person to pick me up and take me to the lake. I definitely felt I had put myself in a silly and possibly dangerous situation, alone in a random town, in a random hotel waiting for a random bus. However, it all turned out for the best. I got to see how Inka populations still live on this lake and climbed up an island to enjoy a lovely lunch.
A few days later I went on a day hike to the Rainbow Mountain, called this for its colourful mineral composition. It snowed. Could barely see two colours, but I got to meet a bunch of people on the tour and we chatted and exchanged numbers and maybe I’ll get to see them again throughout my trip.
Lastly, yesterday I visited the Sacred Valley, again on a guided tour. I didn’t chat with many people because they were mostly elderly travellers. However, it was so beautiful, that I didn’t need human interactions to enjoy my day. We saw how Inka naturally dye yarn (which I am going to learn in-depth next week) and visited many Inka remains.
Thank you for making it this far!!
See you next week!
Giorgia xx
This was a beautiful read Giorgia ❤️🩹 I wish you all the best on your travels and also on your journey to find the butterfly inside you 🫂