i worry

i worry i haven’t written on here in a long time but mostly i worry about the whys of me not writing on here in a while

i worry about having lost myself again but also about having full awareness of my reality, if this is the life i lead when i am fully conscious of myself, then i worry it isn’t a good enough life

i worry about all these words i am thinking about and whether i will remember them tomorrow morning so i can type them down somewhere

i worry about what you all might think of these words, whether they are not enough to reappear after a month of absence on this platform, or if this is a real community where we don’t worry about subscribers and commitment and showing up only not to lose clout

i worry about my body slowly deflating and inflating, because i drive everywhere instead of walking my usual 15k steps a day

i worry about my hair, whether it is too messy, too boyish or just all in my head, because there are days when i have never looked better and days when i cannot look at myself in the mirror

i worry about not digging far enough, about only brushing the surface of my psyche and why i do not bother investigating any further about my worries

i worry about moving to another city but mostly worry about staying at home with my mother

i worry about packing the right clothes and missing those i haven’t packed

i worry about my skin, if i am using enough products or just not the right ones, if the orange-peel appearance will eventually leave me or if it is just part of my complexity

i worry about the movies i watch and the music i listen to and the books i read

i worry about the photos i have taken with my new film camera, whether they will be completely ruined by a defect i am not aware of or if i am just shit at taking photos

i worry about having taken good pictures and what to do with them, if posting them on Instagram will instantly turn me into a make-believe photographer or if people will appreciate them regardless of my titles

i worry about worrying too much about what other people think of me

i worry about not observing enough or not the right things

i worry about what to do with all those things i observe, whether they should turn into stories or pictures or merely live with me until new ones come along

i worry about getting a job, whether i will hate it as much as all my past ones or if finally i will be able to find something that fulfils me

i worry about finding a job that fulfils me and forgetting about everything else in my life

i worry about finding a person who fulfils me and forgetting about everything else in my life

i worry about not finding a person who fulfils me and having to keep chatting about the dullest things with people i have no intention of meeting in person

i worry about gifting the wrong things

i worry about my orders not arriving in time for my departure and having to ask my mother to go pick them up from the post office

i worry about my mother queueing for hours at the post office to pick up my parcels

i worry about my mother thinking i have wasted more money on those parcels while i haven’t worked in months

i worry about forgetting birthdays

i worry about messaging people i haven’t spoken to in a while to wish them a happy birthday

i worry about remembering someone’s birthday being a creepy thing

i worry about having done something to upset somebody and not being aware of it

i worry about pleasing everybody and upsetting nobody

i worry about the wars, climate change, and Trump talking about changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico

i worry about how people treat each other and how much violence is embedded in human beings

i worry about the Italian prime minister and fascism on the rise

i worry about the safety of minorities and how dangerous it still is to be one in this century

i worry about not being woke enough or being too woke

i worry about asking favours

i worry about being too independent

i worry about taking too long to reply to a message or forgetting about it entirely

i worry about why people don’t reply to my messages

i worry about remembering to take my vitamins

i worry about the cheese on the pizza and if eating a tiramisu will upset my stomach too much

i worry about ordering a cappuccino in Italy and whether they will have lactose-free milk or any alternatives

i worry about not showing enough that i actually worry about things

i worry about worrying about too many things