These past weeks have been so intense that I haven’t been able to keep up with the writing. It is probably more correct to say that I haven’t taken the time to keep up with the writing, or myself. I find it so easy to get carried away by the busyness and everyone else’s needs and completely put aside my own. So, after days of trying to get myself to open the laptop and start writing, today, I decided I would ask to leave work early so I could finally do so.
Starting a new year always feels unnecessarily more stressful than it should be. There are always so many expectations when something new starts and as we might not change jobs, cities, or relationships as often, we end up putting all our hopes and excitement in the start of a new year. But it is so draining. My brain is already thinking about a thousand things at all times, the last thing I need is to also think about what 2023 didn’t give me and what I want from 2024.
I recently gave in and started reading Cleopatra and Frankenstein by Coco Mellors - I say that because it kept appearing in carousels all over Instagram this summer - and I found it brilliant and such an easy read, anyway, one of the parts that stuck with me was this passage from one of Eleanor’s chapters:
“I need to make money. I need to write today. I need to clean the bathroom. I need to eat something. I need to quit sugar. I need to cut my hair. I need to call Verizon. I need to savour the moment. I need to find the library card. I need to learn to meditate. I need to try harder. I need to get that stain out. I need to find better health insurance. I need to discover my signature scent. I need to strengthen and tone. I need to be present in the moment. I need to learn French. I need to be easier on myself. I need to buy organizational storage units. I need to call back. I need to develop a relationship with a God of my understanding.”
This perfectly describes that feeling of constant overwhelmingness that has been accompanying me during the past weeks. It is of course not the first time I have experienced it, but with the beginning of the new year I have felt the social pressure to add more items to this already infinite list I have running in my head, and it now got so much. Writing these things down definitely helps, but I would like to always have it in my sight, or it would be better in a new notebook, or doing it on my note app is too impersonal and so on.
So I have decided I am going to write them here.
I need to re-learn to speak Spanish. I will need it for the trip I am planning to Perù, plus it would be great to know so I can speak with my brother and sister-in-law.
I need to exercise. I don’t really need to, but I keep thinking I would like to do yoga and it would be good for me. Plus it would be helpful to be more fit if I am going to have to carry a backpack throughout my trip.
I need to crochet Christmas presents for my mum. Christmas has passed, but she is visiting in a couple of weeks and I have promised I was going to make her a pair of mittens and a scrunchy. I need to start. I don’t have much time left.
I need to read more and write more. I have been enjoying not spending my lunch breaks scrolling through Instagram but reading a book instead. It helps me escape from the reality of work and it fulfils my day. I need to write more, so I can learn how to express myself better and be in touch with myself more.
I need to contact the landlord for a new flat. My boyfriend and I will have to move out of the flat in April, so I have to contact a new landlord to see if they have anything cheaper for us to move into, so I can travel and still have a place in London.
I need to go home and visit my relatives before I go travelling for a couple of months. My grandad, in particular, is growing older and I haven’t seen him in years. I managed to videocall him for the first time last week and I want to make it a priority to go visit him in person before I go away.
I need to be better at taking care of myself, not in a superficial way, but in a loving way. I want to not feel overwhelmed when I try and dress more feminine. I want to learn to feel confident and comfortable in showing my body, and not just wear baggy jeans because they make me feel safe. Something to talk about in therapy.
I need to organise my partner’s 30th birthday because he deserves so much and I want to make sure he gets celebrated as he merits.
This is a lot! This feels good!
Having all this in one place, that isn’t my brain, makes me feel so much lighter. Sometimes making sure we don’t carry all the weight at all times is enough.
My colleague has recently suggested to me that at the end of the day before I leave the shop, when I usually go and wash my hands, I should think of all that went down during the day and all that I don’t want to carry home with me and I let the water take it away. As silly as it sounds it has really changed my mood when I come home from work. By not letting work-related thoughts invade my mind outside of work, I have gained time to think about myself and what really deserves to be thought about.
I hope that some of you can relate and will find relief in unloading all that goes on in your brains.
See you next week,
Giorgia xx